Hello, I'm John Hollinger. You may remember me from such ESPN articles as Player Efficiency Ratings and… well, that's about it. Since my mission in life is to break everything down into a ratings system that defies common sense and ignores general knowledge, I'm going to get started with the Comedy Efficiency Ratings (CER) for "The Simpsons". You see, the suits at Bristol want me to appeal more to the 18-30 demographic. Since I can't be black and work for Page 2 (believe me, they tried), they thought referencing aging pop culture main-stays in my ratings would be the way to go. Since I'd never actually seen an episode of the show because I don't own a TV (all I need to analyze the NBA are the box scores, thank you very much), it took me awhile to calculate the ratings. Here they are:
1. (tie) Lenny Leonard and Carl Carlson (48.34): It's impossible to separate this dynamic duo. An amazingly efficient pair, these two are the funniest characters in the history of television. If they were featured in every scene of the episode, you would laugh virtually every second. They are the Rosencrantz and Guildenstern of television.
2. Raphael, the sarcastic man with a moustache (33.55): Only a bit player but offers a lot of bang for your buck. Would have a higher rating if he didn't waste valuable comedy time by saying things like "Hey Boy-o" and "Listen Pally." I actually think those are funny, but the ratings do not.
3.Hans Moleman (31.10): Has the funniest appearance of the Top 10, which helps his cause. However, he's projected to be on the bottom of TV's sex appeal ratings which I'm working on for the end of the Summer. As he himself once said, "Nobody's gay for Moleman." It's reasonable to surmise that nobody is straight for Moleman either.
4. Homer Simpson (28.09): I found a direct season to season mathematical correlation to his CER and Shaq's PER. It's frightening actually.
5. Moe Szyslak (27.94): The humorous bartender is a familiar character in movies and TV. He fits the archetype well.
6. Lindsey Naegle (24.71): The highest ranking woman on the list, narrowly edging out Cookie Kwan. Perhaps she would be able to hold down a steady job if she weren't so funny.
117. The sad guy with a green hat at Moe's (2.39): The only comedic value he offers is consistently not being funny ( CNBF). Luckily, that's measured by the CNBF in my ratings system and actually reflects positively once you get to a certain point.